Recently I seem to have been pissing off a lot of people. Mainly i think most of it is the 'fuck you' attitude i have put upon myself. I see myself hurting a lot of people close to me and damaging really good relationships. I started think about this today while I was supposed to be studying and I've come to realize, I don't care. I'm tired of always worrying about what other people are thinking or if i'm being mean to someone. My entire life i've worked so hard to try and be nice to everyone and i'm tired of it. Seriously, where has it gotten me? I've got one or two close friends and a bunch of people that 'think i'm nice' but could care less to hang out with me or get to know me. Why waste my time trying to be nice to people when the only time they ever come to me is when they have a problem or have yet another computer problem. I started weeding out my buddy list on aim to get rid of all the people that only IM me when they a) have a personal problem and want to complain, b) want to ask me a question or c) broke their computer once again. I found myself adding more and more people into the 'meh' category I made. Only a few close highschool friends and other random people remain.
Does this mean that i'm disliked? Do they find me annoying? Or am I just that average that I get overlooked. It's coming close to the end of the year and I'm starting to get this 'I could care less' attitude about me. I mean, 90% of the people I met this year I'll never see again. Everyone is moving to other spots on campus or different schools altogether and I'll never see them again. One more person on the other side of world that doesn't care to talk me without an alterior motive. Whatever, i can sit out one more week of school. Then i guess i can start new. New people, new relationships and new rejections.
... maybe i can get some studying done now.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
mrowr?
I feel like writing...
So recently I've realized that I hate my life. No, not in the 'I hate myself and want to die' way or anything. I'm perfectly happy in who I am life and look at each day with a positive outlook. When I say I hate my life I mean when I take a step back and look at where I'm at in life and what I'm doing, I just don't like it. My life isn't at all what I picture as what I want. I wake up early every day to go to class where I sit, then I head off to work where—yet again—I sit, then I come back to the dorms and eat my pitiful one meal a day of food that makes me feel sick and is most definatly slowly killing me. Sitting in class I look out the window at the beautiful weather and realize how I'm wasting so much of my life.
My entire life consists of sitting in rooms daydreaming. I miss the summers, waking up early every day to fresh, clean air and enjoying life. Going out and actually interacting with others, helping kids and enjoying nature.
I guess I just need a change. I'm not sure what that might be yet, school will be over soon and in a couple months camp will going again and I'm really looking forward to it. Camp is amazing. I know each year it's not quite the same, there's different people, different friendships and different drama but it's still camp. Most of the people that made camp what it was to me are slowly fading out, with a few still in there sticking it out. But even with the changing times, life just seems right when I am there. I don't know if it's cause I've been there every year since I was 11, or if it's just being outside enjoying nature, but something about that place just makes me feel good. Life just can't be enjoying encased in cement walls, at least not for me.
I feel like I need to leave this place and just move to the woods. I wonder what my parents would think of me becoming a hermit? It'd certainly be much cheaper than paying for college.
I've been thinking a ton about all the changes I could make to my life. Thinking of something to shape my life into what I want it to be. My major and career choices come to mind a lot. I certainly don't have an idea of what I want to do, I just know I do not want to work in computers any more. I've always wanted to be a bartender. You get to talk to people all day long and listen to their stories. Honestly, who wouldn't want to be Sam from Cheers? But there's no career in that. I've always wanted to go skydiving, it's definatly a life goal for me. Being a skydiving instructor sure would be amazing but once again, I don't see much of a career in that. Camp consoler? Would be amazing, but I doubt the parents would dig that. I wish I could just make decisions without worrying about the future. Psht, darn future always messing things up.
I guess I just have to hope for the best and try to prepare myself the best I can for whatever lies ahead. I may not be completely sure of what I want in life, but who's to say I can't change my mind later? That's the great part about life, you can do whatever you want. Free will is an amazing thing.
Oh well, I guess we'll see what life turns up.
So recently I've realized that I hate my life. No, not in the 'I hate myself and want to die' way or anything. I'm perfectly happy in who I am life and look at each day with a positive outlook. When I say I hate my life I mean when I take a step back and look at where I'm at in life and what I'm doing, I just don't like it. My life isn't at all what I picture as what I want. I wake up early every day to go to class where I sit, then I head off to work where—yet again—I sit, then I come back to the dorms and eat my pitiful one meal a day of food that makes me feel sick and is most definatly slowly killing me. Sitting in class I look out the window at the beautiful weather and realize how I'm wasting so much of my life.
My entire life consists of sitting in rooms daydreaming. I miss the summers, waking up early every day to fresh, clean air and enjoying life. Going out and actually interacting with others, helping kids and enjoying nature.
I guess I just need a change. I'm not sure what that might be yet, school will be over soon and in a couple months camp will going again and I'm really looking forward to it. Camp is amazing. I know each year it's not quite the same, there's different people, different friendships and different drama but it's still camp. Most of the people that made camp what it was to me are slowly fading out, with a few still in there sticking it out. But even with the changing times, life just seems right when I am there. I don't know if it's cause I've been there every year since I was 11, or if it's just being outside enjoying nature, but something about that place just makes me feel good. Life just can't be enjoying encased in cement walls, at least not for me.
I feel like I need to leave this place and just move to the woods. I wonder what my parents would think of me becoming a hermit? It'd certainly be much cheaper than paying for college.
I've been thinking a ton about all the changes I could make to my life. Thinking of something to shape my life into what I want it to be. My major and career choices come to mind a lot. I certainly don't have an idea of what I want to do, I just know I do not want to work in computers any more. I've always wanted to be a bartender. You get to talk to people all day long and listen to their stories. Honestly, who wouldn't want to be Sam from Cheers? But there's no career in that. I've always wanted to go skydiving, it's definatly a life goal for me. Being a skydiving instructor sure would be amazing but once again, I don't see much of a career in that. Camp consoler? Would be amazing, but I doubt the parents would dig that. I wish I could just make decisions without worrying about the future. Psht, darn future always messing things up.
I guess I just have to hope for the best and try to prepare myself the best I can for whatever lies ahead. I may not be completely sure of what I want in life, but who's to say I can't change my mind later? That's the great part about life, you can do whatever you want. Free will is an amazing thing.
Oh well, I guess we'll see what life turns up.
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