i thought about stealing a car last night
i was walking past some mobile office things by the new building they were making
and i was in a bad mood... and cold
and thought, maybe i could just break into those and sit for the night
maybe there's some money inside i could use to buy food?
then i saw a brand new g37x
and thought about how badly i wanted to drive it
and how few people were around
i could never afford a car like that...
i could just drive it around, have fun for a few hours and put it back
the dude's insurance would cover it
i'm sure he'd understand if he only knew me
but i just kept walking instead...
Monday, November 24, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
sex, drugs and rock 'n roll
Gah, this has been a weird few weeks. I see myself really starting to be the person I wish I could be. I've actually started enjoying school, I'm much more outgoing and I don't worry about all the stupid little things I used to. The only thing(s) holding me back now are totally stupid meaningless objects. Well, I guess they aren't really all that meaningless. Frankly it's kind of sad how much I've realized I rely on them in my daily life.
First off I lost my iPod; no idea where the hell it went... how annoying is that? Who knew a little pocket size lump of music could mean so much to me? I guess music just really calms me, helps me forget about all the stupid shit in life and just look up at the clouds and smile.
Secondly, I've lost my car. Well, it's not actually lost, it's sitting in my garage strewn about in various mangeled up pieces. But obviously I can't drive it anymore so it may as well be lost. Driving around in my car is another thing that calms me down. I remember getting stressed about various things last year and just jumping in my car and driving to Shepperd; what an amazing town.
Without these two littles things it's becoming harder and harder to relax. I walked across campus today to grab some food, which was nice, but as I got closer I began to remember the big lack of money in my bank account and how much closer to 'zero' this trip was gonna make me. I got way too much food trying to make the most of my money and ended up buying pretty much everything possible that could make me sick. Then to top it all off the sun decided to beat down extra hard on me on my way back, soaking me in fowl-smelling sweat. Nothing a shower and change of cloths couldn't fix though.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say. I just find it funny how I'm finally headed in a good direction in my life and two very small things are holding me back. It's weird how something so insignificant can play a big role in my life. I'm finally doing good, but I can't stop worrying about life because of my lack of relaxing. You'd think spending the weekend enjoying the place to myself and just vegging out would help, but in the end it just made everything so much worse, thinking can really be bad for you.
Hopefully soon my car will be fixed, and in a paycheck or two maybe I'll be able to afford a new iPod.... or maybe I could just realize there's more to life than driving and music, and see the light for once. But then again, that just wouldn't be my style.
First off I lost my iPod; no idea where the hell it went... how annoying is that? Who knew a little pocket size lump of music could mean so much to me? I guess music just really calms me, helps me forget about all the stupid shit in life and just look up at the clouds and smile.
Secondly, I've lost my car. Well, it's not actually lost, it's sitting in my garage strewn about in various mangeled up pieces. But obviously I can't drive it anymore so it may as well be lost. Driving around in my car is another thing that calms me down. I remember getting stressed about various things last year and just jumping in my car and driving to Shepperd; what an amazing town.
Without these two littles things it's becoming harder and harder to relax. I walked across campus today to grab some food, which was nice, but as I got closer I began to remember the big lack of money in my bank account and how much closer to 'zero' this trip was gonna make me. I got way too much food trying to make the most of my money and ended up buying pretty much everything possible that could make me sick. Then to top it all off the sun decided to beat down extra hard on me on my way back, soaking me in fowl-smelling sweat. Nothing a shower and change of cloths couldn't fix though.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say. I just find it funny how I'm finally headed in a good direction in my life and two very small things are holding me back. It's weird how something so insignificant can play a big role in my life. I'm finally doing good, but I can't stop worrying about life because of my lack of relaxing. You'd think spending the weekend enjoying the place to myself and just vegging out would help, but in the end it just made everything so much worse, thinking can really be bad for you.
Hopefully soon my car will be fixed, and in a paycheck or two maybe I'll be able to afford a new iPod.... or maybe I could just realize there's more to life than driving and music, and see the light for once. But then again, that just wouldn't be my style.
Monday, May 19, 2008
haha great
So right now my only purpose in life is to accomplish the dreaded task of cleaning my room. Haha, that's so sad. I'm stuck in the phase between the two parts of my life. I've only got 2 weeks left of the month between my college life and my camp life left, and I'm pretty much dead weight until one reassumes my life. What really sucks is that this is no normal "clean your room" rant you get from your parents, it's the "you've moved on in life and your bedroom is ours now so get your crap out" deal. Apparently I'm supposed to get rid of my entire life in a weekend. I've always had a huge problem with not wanting to throw anything away. To me, everything has a story behind it. Every little piece of trash I kept for some stupid reason has a memory from childhood I for some reason barely remember. This created a huge collection of crap for me to throw away. Four garbage bags down and only 10 more years of my life to go through.
I've always wanted a pet cat, but not quite in the way I've recently acquired one. I learned today that Simba the Physic Shop Kitty (name courtesy of the OA) has made home in my mini-fridge where its being stored and serving as Simba's new home up at camp. I stored it in the shop at camp due to the fact my old car had no room for my stuff to get home, let alone space for a mini-fridge. I was so vividly amused to hear this. Shouldn't I be angry or stressed thinking about what mess awaits me when I return to camp? I guess I should be... but oddly I'm not. I'm more excited to meet the new kitty I provided shelter for over the last few months of winter.
Even with so little going on in life, and so much left for me, I'm lovin life. It's a great feeling once you finally realize your life is yours and yours alone to live. I mean we've only got one, why waste it pouting about what we didn't do, get out there and make do with what you have and have the best time possible with what life throws at you. Nothing comes from just sitting around complaining about it, it's just a waste of life.
... I had more to say when I started this, but what's the point? I'm sleepy.
I've always wanted a pet cat, but not quite in the way I've recently acquired one. I learned today that Simba the Physic Shop Kitty (name courtesy of the OA) has made home in my mini-fridge where its being stored and serving as Simba's new home up at camp. I stored it in the shop at camp due to the fact my old car had no room for my stuff to get home, let alone space for a mini-fridge. I was so vividly amused to hear this. Shouldn't I be angry or stressed thinking about what mess awaits me when I return to camp? I guess I should be... but oddly I'm not. I'm more excited to meet the new kitty I provided shelter for over the last few months of winter.
Even with so little going on in life, and so much left for me, I'm lovin life. It's a great feeling once you finally realize your life is yours and yours alone to live. I mean we've only got one, why waste it pouting about what we didn't do, get out there and make do with what you have and have the best time possible with what life throws at you. Nothing comes from just sitting around complaining about it, it's just a waste of life.
... I had more to say when I started this, but what's the point? I'm sleepy.
The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is you own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.
Friday, May 2, 2008
last call
It seems like just yesterday i was sitting in my dorm room with my newly met roomates playing super mario and shooting people passing through the hall with nerf darts. I find in myself that feeling once again i saw at the end of highschool my senior year. It's that bittersweet feeling you don't know quite what to do with, half happy it's finally done but still sad its all over. The realization of all that's happened in the past year comes over me and it seems like a dream.
I've seen so much change this year in my life and in myself. I remember heading off to college seeing a new opportunity to reinvent myself; to be someone new. Unfortunatly, I found myself as the exact same person i was in highschool. I was scared, self-conscious and afraid to make new friends. By the force of fate i started meeting new people and started opening up. I met new types of friends and started being a person i never saw before. Some things changed me for the better, some for the worse. It seems like the whole year was a big transformation for me. For a while i became someone i had never been before, someone i didn't paticularly like, but all this helped me realize who i am. I went into college with the intention to reinvent myself. What i didn't realize is that i didn't need to change who i was at all, all i needed was to see who i really am.
Sure i've changed a lot over the semester as far as how i've acted and how i treat people. I pissed off a lot of people and ruined a lot of friendships i wish i hadn't. But i come to realize that coming into college i wasn't who i really am. I was too afraid to let people into my life and get to know me. One thing this year has taught me is that i can't change who i am, and i would never want to. What is most important is being yourself, despite what anyone else says or thinks. In the end they have no effect on your life.
I think it was one little quote i saw in the hall one day that changed my perception of my life. That short little Dr. Suess quote Joe Parente posted on the wall may very well have changed my life forever. "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." These poetic little words brought new light to my world.
My whole life i've lived for the opinion of others. I didn't care how i felt as long as i thought others liked me. I would sit and listen to person after person complain about their lives and all their trivial problems that in the grand scheme of life meant nothing. I would fix everyones computers problems no matter how much it inconvienced me. I thought that somehow if i helped them maybe they would want to get to know me better some day. It doesn't really work out that way though. I found myself as that person that people only came to when they had a problem, and it ate me alive.
The last month or two of school i started to get really angry at all the people around me and lost any compassion i had. I pissed off quite a few people because i was tired of being nice. I was tired of being one to go to when everyone else had a problem, it was my time for a dramatic breakdown. I guess i just decided to tell the world to fuck off and start over new next year. After all, it's a whole new life. New people, new relationships and more drama. I've changed some peoples opinions of me this year, some for the better and some for the worse. I pissed off some people I used to be great friends with, but now we don't even talk. But to me I guess it doesn't really matter, because maybe they'll realize i'm really not all that bad. I can have my bad days too, and sometimes i need someone to shit too.
This year has given me one thing, I've realized who I really am. I've changed a little this year, but mostly my attitude towards life and myself has changed. I am who I am and it doesn't matter if you like that or not. In the end the only persons opinion of who you are that truley matters... is yours.
I've seen so much change this year in my life and in myself. I remember heading off to college seeing a new opportunity to reinvent myself; to be someone new. Unfortunatly, I found myself as the exact same person i was in highschool. I was scared, self-conscious and afraid to make new friends. By the force of fate i started meeting new people and started opening up. I met new types of friends and started being a person i never saw before. Some things changed me for the better, some for the worse. It seems like the whole year was a big transformation for me. For a while i became someone i had never been before, someone i didn't paticularly like, but all this helped me realize who i am. I went into college with the intention to reinvent myself. What i didn't realize is that i didn't need to change who i was at all, all i needed was to see who i really am.
Sure i've changed a lot over the semester as far as how i've acted and how i treat people. I pissed off a lot of people and ruined a lot of friendships i wish i hadn't. But i come to realize that coming into college i wasn't who i really am. I was too afraid to let people into my life and get to know me. One thing this year has taught me is that i can't change who i am, and i would never want to. What is most important is being yourself, despite what anyone else says or thinks. In the end they have no effect on your life.
I think it was one little quote i saw in the hall one day that changed my perception of my life. That short little Dr. Suess quote Joe Parente posted on the wall may very well have changed my life forever. "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." These poetic little words brought new light to my world.
My whole life i've lived for the opinion of others. I didn't care how i felt as long as i thought others liked me. I would sit and listen to person after person complain about their lives and all their trivial problems that in the grand scheme of life meant nothing. I would fix everyones computers problems no matter how much it inconvienced me. I thought that somehow if i helped them maybe they would want to get to know me better some day. It doesn't really work out that way though. I found myself as that person that people only came to when they had a problem, and it ate me alive.
The last month or two of school i started to get really angry at all the people around me and lost any compassion i had. I pissed off quite a few people because i was tired of being nice. I was tired of being one to go to when everyone else had a problem, it was my time for a dramatic breakdown. I guess i just decided to tell the world to fuck off and start over new next year. After all, it's a whole new life. New people, new relationships and more drama. I've changed some peoples opinions of me this year, some for the better and some for the worse. I pissed off some people I used to be great friends with, but now we don't even talk. But to me I guess it doesn't really matter, because maybe they'll realize i'm really not all that bad. I can have my bad days too, and sometimes i need someone to shit too.
This year has given me one thing, I've realized who I really am. I've changed a little this year, but mostly my attitude towards life and myself has changed. I am who I am and it doesn't matter if you like that or not. In the end the only persons opinion of who you are that truley matters... is yours.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
whatever
Recently I seem to have been pissing off a lot of people. Mainly i think most of it is the 'fuck you' attitude i have put upon myself. I see myself hurting a lot of people close to me and damaging really good relationships. I started think about this today while I was supposed to be studying and I've come to realize, I don't care. I'm tired of always worrying about what other people are thinking or if i'm being mean to someone. My entire life i've worked so hard to try and be nice to everyone and i'm tired of it. Seriously, where has it gotten me? I've got one or two close friends and a bunch of people that 'think i'm nice' but could care less to hang out with me or get to know me. Why waste my time trying to be nice to people when the only time they ever come to me is when they have a problem or have yet another computer problem. I started weeding out my buddy list on aim to get rid of all the people that only IM me when they a) have a personal problem and want to complain, b) want to ask me a question or c) broke their computer once again. I found myself adding more and more people into the 'meh' category I made. Only a few close highschool friends and other random people remain.
Does this mean that i'm disliked? Do they find me annoying? Or am I just that average that I get overlooked. It's coming close to the end of the year and I'm starting to get this 'I could care less' attitude about me. I mean, 90% of the people I met this year I'll never see again. Everyone is moving to other spots on campus or different schools altogether and I'll never see them again. One more person on the other side of world that doesn't care to talk me without an alterior motive. Whatever, i can sit out one more week of school. Then i guess i can start new. New people, new relationships and new rejections.
... maybe i can get some studying done now.
Does this mean that i'm disliked? Do they find me annoying? Or am I just that average that I get overlooked. It's coming close to the end of the year and I'm starting to get this 'I could care less' attitude about me. I mean, 90% of the people I met this year I'll never see again. Everyone is moving to other spots on campus or different schools altogether and I'll never see them again. One more person on the other side of world that doesn't care to talk me without an alterior motive. Whatever, i can sit out one more week of school. Then i guess i can start new. New people, new relationships and new rejections.
... maybe i can get some studying done now.
Friday, April 4, 2008
mrowr?
I feel like writing...
So recently I've realized that I hate my life. No, not in the 'I hate myself and want to die' way or anything. I'm perfectly happy in who I am life and look at each day with a positive outlook. When I say I hate my life I mean when I take a step back and look at where I'm at in life and what I'm doing, I just don't like it. My life isn't at all what I picture as what I want. I wake up early every day to go to class where I sit, then I head off to work where—yet again—I sit, then I come back to the dorms and eat my pitiful one meal a day of food that makes me feel sick and is most definatly slowly killing me. Sitting in class I look out the window at the beautiful weather and realize how I'm wasting so much of my life.
My entire life consists of sitting in rooms daydreaming. I miss the summers, waking up early every day to fresh, clean air and enjoying life. Going out and actually interacting with others, helping kids and enjoying nature.
I guess I just need a change. I'm not sure what that might be yet, school will be over soon and in a couple months camp will going again and I'm really looking forward to it. Camp is amazing. I know each year it's not quite the same, there's different people, different friendships and different drama but it's still camp. Most of the people that made camp what it was to me are slowly fading out, with a few still in there sticking it out. But even with the changing times, life just seems right when I am there. I don't know if it's cause I've been there every year since I was 11, or if it's just being outside enjoying nature, but something about that place just makes me feel good. Life just can't be enjoying encased in cement walls, at least not for me.
I feel like I need to leave this place and just move to the woods. I wonder what my parents would think of me becoming a hermit? It'd certainly be much cheaper than paying for college.
I've been thinking a ton about all the changes I could make to my life. Thinking of something to shape my life into what I want it to be. My major and career choices come to mind a lot. I certainly don't have an idea of what I want to do, I just know I do not want to work in computers any more. I've always wanted to be a bartender. You get to talk to people all day long and listen to their stories. Honestly, who wouldn't want to be Sam from Cheers? But there's no career in that. I've always wanted to go skydiving, it's definatly a life goal for me. Being a skydiving instructor sure would be amazing but once again, I don't see much of a career in that. Camp consoler? Would be amazing, but I doubt the parents would dig that. I wish I could just make decisions without worrying about the future. Psht, darn future always messing things up.
I guess I just have to hope for the best and try to prepare myself the best I can for whatever lies ahead. I may not be completely sure of what I want in life, but who's to say I can't change my mind later? That's the great part about life, you can do whatever you want. Free will is an amazing thing.
Oh well, I guess we'll see what life turns up.
So recently I've realized that I hate my life. No, not in the 'I hate myself and want to die' way or anything. I'm perfectly happy in who I am life and look at each day with a positive outlook. When I say I hate my life I mean when I take a step back and look at where I'm at in life and what I'm doing, I just don't like it. My life isn't at all what I picture as what I want. I wake up early every day to go to class where I sit, then I head off to work where—yet again—I sit, then I come back to the dorms and eat my pitiful one meal a day of food that makes me feel sick and is most definatly slowly killing me. Sitting in class I look out the window at the beautiful weather and realize how I'm wasting so much of my life.
My entire life consists of sitting in rooms daydreaming. I miss the summers, waking up early every day to fresh, clean air and enjoying life. Going out and actually interacting with others, helping kids and enjoying nature.
I guess I just need a change. I'm not sure what that might be yet, school will be over soon and in a couple months camp will going again and I'm really looking forward to it. Camp is amazing. I know each year it's not quite the same, there's different people, different friendships and different drama but it's still camp. Most of the people that made camp what it was to me are slowly fading out, with a few still in there sticking it out. But even with the changing times, life just seems right when I am there. I don't know if it's cause I've been there every year since I was 11, or if it's just being outside enjoying nature, but something about that place just makes me feel good. Life just can't be enjoying encased in cement walls, at least not for me.
I feel like I need to leave this place and just move to the woods. I wonder what my parents would think of me becoming a hermit? It'd certainly be much cheaper than paying for college.
I've been thinking a ton about all the changes I could make to my life. Thinking of something to shape my life into what I want it to be. My major and career choices come to mind a lot. I certainly don't have an idea of what I want to do, I just know I do not want to work in computers any more. I've always wanted to be a bartender. You get to talk to people all day long and listen to their stories. Honestly, who wouldn't want to be Sam from Cheers? But there's no career in that. I've always wanted to go skydiving, it's definatly a life goal for me. Being a skydiving instructor sure would be amazing but once again, I don't see much of a career in that. Camp consoler? Would be amazing, but I doubt the parents would dig that. I wish I could just make decisions without worrying about the future. Psht, darn future always messing things up.
I guess I just have to hope for the best and try to prepare myself the best I can for whatever lies ahead. I may not be completely sure of what I want in life, but who's to say I can't change my mind later? That's the great part about life, you can do whatever you want. Free will is an amazing thing.
Oh well, I guess we'll see what life turns up.
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