last call

It seems like just yesterday i was sitting in my dorm room with my newly met roomates playing super mario and shooting people passing through the hall with nerf darts. I find in myself that feeling once again i saw at the end of highschool my senior year. It's that bittersweet feeling you don't know quite what to do with, half happy it's finally done but still sad its all over. The realization of all that's happened in the past year comes over me and it seems like a dream.

I've seen so much change this year in my life and in myself. I remember heading off to college seeing a new opportunity to reinvent myself; to be someone new. Unfortunatly, I found myself as the exact same person i was in highschool. I was scared, self-conscious and afraid to make new friends. By the force of fate i started meeting new people and started opening up. I met new types of friends and started being a person i never saw before. Some things changed me for the better, some for the worse. It seems like the whole year was a big transformation for me. For a while i became someone i had never been before, someone i didn't paticularly like, but all this helped me realize who i am. I went into college with the intention to reinvent myself. What i didn't realize is that i didn't need to change who i was at all, all i needed was to see who i really am.

Sure i've changed a lot over the semester as far as how i've acted and how i treat people. I pissed off a lot of people and ruined a lot of friendships i wish i hadn't. But i come to realize that coming into college i wasn't who i really am. I was too afraid to let people into my life and get to know me. One thing this year has taught me is that i can't change who i am, and i would never want to. What is most important is being yourself, despite what anyone else says or thinks. In the end they have no effect on your life.

I think it was one little quote i saw in the hall one day that changed my perception of my life. That short little Dr. Suess quote Joe Parente posted on the wall may very well have changed my life forever. "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." These poetic little words brought new light to my world.

My whole life i've lived for the opinion of others. I didn't care how i felt as long as i thought others liked me. I would sit and listen to person after person complain about their lives and all their trivial problems that in the grand scheme of life meant nothing. I would fix everyones computers problems no matter how much it inconvienced me. I thought that somehow if i helped them maybe they would want to get to know me better some day. It doesn't really work out that way though. I found myself as that person that people only came to when they had a problem, and it ate me alive.

The last month or two of school i started to get really angry at all the people around me and lost any compassion i had. I pissed off quite a few people because i was tired of being nice. I was tired of being one to go to when everyone else had a problem, it was my time for a dramatic breakdown. I guess i just decided to tell the world to fuck off and start over new next year. After all, it's a whole new life. New people, new relationships and more drama. I've changed some peoples opinions of me this year, some for the better and some for the worse. I pissed off some people I used to be great friends with, but now we don't even talk. But to me I guess it doesn't really matter, because maybe they'll realize i'm really not all that bad. I can have my bad days too, and sometimes i need someone to shit too.

This year has given me one thing, I've realized who I really am. I've changed a little this year, but mostly my attitude towards life and myself has changed. I am who I am and it doesn't matter if you like that or not. In the end the only persons opinion of who you are that truley matters... is yours.