Sunday, March 16, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
thunderstorms are supposed to be fun
Is it just me, or some weeks does it just feel like the entire universe has turned against you? Like every person, every thing, every part of your life has gone on a vendetta to ruin your day? I realized some people just generally have bad days; sometimes your just unfortunate and tomarrow will be a better day. It gets harder each day to chaulk it all up to bad luck or a bad day. It seems like I've been going on my next worst day ever for a few weeks now. Each day just finds some new way to tie my shoes together while I'm not paying attention.
I remember what it was like in highschool, to always be bored and lonely and to just generally be in a bad mood. I've come to senses with my life since then though and it's just not the same kind of mental distress. The things that bug me aren't the normal life lessons that hit you. It's just all these little stupid things that just pile up on me, things that shouldn't matter, making me want to just scream and mangle something. Ever just feel like destroying something beautiful? Just because it makes you feel better?
I feel like I'm being thrown all these obstacles as some sort of test. Something, or someone's just trying to get me to break down. It seems as though I made some mistake somewhere and now I'm paying for it. If I had cleaned my room and ran errands instead of playing videos games all day Monday would my car still have gone to shit for seemingly no reason at all? Would my dad still have managed to drive it through our garage wall? I mean nothing was wrong with it just the day before and BAM about of the blue it won't even move. How does that happen? Things don't just break, everything happens for a reason. Or at least it should...
A lot of people have been talking lately about regrets, going back and fixing your mistakes. There's always been a few moments in my life I've been eager to go back and change. I'd certainly go back to eighth grade and say yes to that cute girl that asked me to dance instead of saying 'No' and running. There's no question in my mind either about the night I ended up in the hospital. That's not anything someone would ever choose to go through. But lately my mind drifts from these few events in my life that should mean something to completely meaningless fractions of my life. If someone asked you right now if you could go back in time, what is the first thing you would change, would you think to go back and get a haircut instead of sleeping in an extra hour? This isn't something a normal person should think about. Maybe I'm just going crazy.
Each day it seems like my mind is working less and less. For the longest time it seems like it's on it's own mission and I'm left our here in the cold. Hell, I'm supposed to be ignoring my thoughts, not the other way around.
I remember what it was like in highschool, to always be bored and lonely and to just generally be in a bad mood. I've come to senses with my life since then though and it's just not the same kind of mental distress. The things that bug me aren't the normal life lessons that hit you. It's just all these little stupid things that just pile up on me, things that shouldn't matter, making me want to just scream and mangle something. Ever just feel like destroying something beautiful? Just because it makes you feel better?
I feel like I'm being thrown all these obstacles as some sort of test. Something, or someone's just trying to get me to break down. It seems as though I made some mistake somewhere and now I'm paying for it. If I had cleaned my room and ran errands instead of playing videos games all day Monday would my car still have gone to shit for seemingly no reason at all? Would my dad still have managed to drive it through our garage wall? I mean nothing was wrong with it just the day before and BAM about of the blue it won't even move. How does that happen? Things don't just break, everything happens for a reason. Or at least it should...
A lot of people have been talking lately about regrets, going back and fixing your mistakes. There's always been a few moments in my life I've been eager to go back and change. I'd certainly go back to eighth grade and say yes to that cute girl that asked me to dance instead of saying 'No' and running. There's no question in my mind either about the night I ended up in the hospital. That's not anything someone would ever choose to go through. But lately my mind drifts from these few events in my life that should mean something to completely meaningless fractions of my life. If someone asked you right now if you could go back in time, what is the first thing you would change, would you think to go back and get a haircut instead of sleeping in an extra hour? This isn't something a normal person should think about. Maybe I'm just going crazy.
Each day it seems like my mind is working less and less. For the longest time it seems like it's on it's own mission and I'm left our here in the cold. Hell, I'm supposed to be ignoring my thoughts, not the other way around.
mute button for life
This was written a long time ago, but I never managed to post it:
Walking to and from class with my iPod playing has become one of the things I enjoy most. Closed off from everything and everyone around me; like one big mute button. It's a nice feeling. You don't have to worry about what to do, or what to say. I just think about my life and how I can make it better. I find myself constantly floating off into a place other than where I live. With less people and less drama. Just the few people that really matter in my life to keep me company. There's a Dr. Seuss quote posted in the hall:
I've com to realize that much of what people do and say are just plots to become more popular. Guys essentially act like douchebags because they get laughs. I see girls all the time call other girls/guys sluts, and then turn around and make out with someone they just met, because it makes them feel better about themselves. The fact of the matter is that 90% of the world's population is self-conscious. The most cocky people are most often the most insecure and they try their hardest to get people to like them. They surround themselves with people that treat them like crap, but at least they aren't alone. Can you imagine a world where people didn't care how popular they were, or what other people think of them? Don't get me wrong, you gotta care somewhat people think of you. Otherwise we'd all end up as smelly blobs that sit on the couch all day eating our weight in cheese puffs. But what if everyone stopped looking at who people seem to be and really got to know people for who they are. How much better would the world be?
Some days I just can't comprehend how life can be so hard. But then I look at the world and the people around me and I realize that my problems are trivial. Sure my car is a sinking money pot, my laptop is broken and I don't get enough sleep. But that's nothing compared to the real world problems some people face every day. If I feel so stressed with my little problems, how do those people with real problems get through each day?
As my friend Cat always says, 'Sometimes lifes hard, for no reason at all...'
Walking to and from class with my iPod playing has become one of the things I enjoy most. Closed off from everything and everyone around me; like one big mute button. It's a nice feeling. You don't have to worry about what to do, or what to say. I just think about my life and how I can make it better. I find myself constantly floating off into a place other than where I live. With less people and less drama. Just the few people that really matter in my life to keep me company. There's a Dr. Seuss quote posted in the hall:
'Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."It's so true. Those who really care love you as who you are, not who your supposed to be. How can you tell who really cares though? Everyone says they're your friend. But if it comes down to it, are you really the person they want to be around? I learned recently who my real friends are, who really cares (for the most part anyways) and I was suprized. I found people who cared that I had overlooked in the past. It feels good to be loved.
I've com to realize that much of what people do and say are just plots to become more popular. Guys essentially act like douchebags because they get laughs. I see girls all the time call other girls/guys sluts, and then turn around and make out with someone they just met, because it makes them feel better about themselves. The fact of the matter is that 90% of the world's population is self-conscious. The most cocky people are most often the most insecure and they try their hardest to get people to like them. They surround themselves with people that treat them like crap, but at least they aren't alone. Can you imagine a world where people didn't care how popular they were, or what other people think of them? Don't get me wrong, you gotta care somewhat people think of you. Otherwise we'd all end up as smelly blobs that sit on the couch all day eating our weight in cheese puffs. But what if everyone stopped looking at who people seem to be and really got to know people for who they are. How much better would the world be?
Some days I just can't comprehend how life can be so hard. But then I look at the world and the people around me and I realize that my problems are trivial. Sure my car is a sinking money pot, my laptop is broken and I don't get enough sleep. But that's nothing compared to the real world problems some people face every day. If I feel so stressed with my little problems, how do those people with real problems get through each day?
As my friend Cat always says, 'Sometimes lifes hard, for no reason at all...'
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